struggling questions

Now I am going to attempt to change what my blog has been into something completely different. What I am attempting to do is to transfer my struggles, questions, and victories of life, from my thoughts and actions, into words. I am more articulate with my words than I am with letters, but I hope that the intent and meaning is to be understood which is not to have this as a sounding board for how people should be proud of me, or feel sorry for me but a way to understand where I am coming from. To offer feedback and support (good bible verses, books I should read), or just letting me know where you are struggling in which we can take our questions or struggles and let each other learn from them and grow. My hope is not just for this to benefit me but others too. Now, questions I am struggling with.

If we are honest with ourselves we can look at most of our relationships, with anyone this does not mean just boy/girl friend relationships, my definition here is larger than that. If we look at relationships we are in and are honest there is a reason for us being in that relationship. We are attempting to take an advantage from that person through having that relationship with them. We are seeing that person as a stepping stone to get something that we want from this world that we could not get from ourselves. Example of this in my life, which I hope is not truly an example because I hope that the friendship that I have with this person is rooted more than what I am explaining here. I have this friend for several years, yet our friendship has grown greater recently, we confide in each other about issues that are in our lives. Now what do I think about when ever we have discussions is her friend that I am interested in. What has happened is that what I want has become the center of the relationship, instead of having the person being the center of the relationship. When this happens the relationship is corrupted and will rot; not be what it was originally intended to be. Now is our friendship rooted in that, NO! But, am I looking for an advantage with this friendship, unfortunately yes, and do I have to let her know this, probably.

Taking this stripped down example, I have been looking at my relationship with God. I have been reflecting to see what I am trying to gain from God. What I have found is not what I am trying to get out of my relationship with Him but what am I owed. I do not know about you but feeling owed instead of looking for an advantage is something far worse for it is rooted in pride and not greed; pride in which I am at the same level as God; which is exactly where I defiantly do not want to be. Feeling owed something means that I have done a service for someone to get something. Yet, how can I do anything for God who is Almighty, and does not need me for anything? This was a piece of advice that was told to a friend who shared it with a group I was in, “God does not need you but he can use you.”

Now let’s look at the smaller misconception I have about life and ask myself how I can look for an advantage with my relationship with God. Because like my example the person is not the center of the relationship, what I want is the center. Causing the thing I want to be bigger than the Person in the relationship. How can my thing be bigger than God? The Bible talks about God providing everything. So if the advantage that I am trying to get is being "BIG" as a successful, well known person with an easy life. This makes it so that I am not searching after the one that can give me that but I am searching after that and will never receive it. For when you go after something you will never get it, but when you strive past it is when you will be able to achieve it.

OK, now that I understand what I am trying to get out of my relationship with God, which by the way figuring that out sucked, but this one was even worse. I need to figure out what things I feel like I am owed from God and why. After much reflection I realized that I feel like I am owed a relationship with someone (not a certain someone) but someone that will in turn become my wife. Why, because I feel that I cannot reach my potential with out someone by my side. That she will compliment me and create that motivation that I lack so often today. As I will her. I will see her full potential for what it is and will do what I can to help mold her into a person God intended. I feel like I am owed because I think that I cannot achieve what I was made for alone. Am I making excuses? Am I limiting God and His capability? Am I making a fantasy of what a marriage relationship will be? This is not to mention what pressure I am creating for the relationship. Making it so that no one is good enough to meet the misconceptions I have made about what marriage will bring.

I don't know. I do know that I need to rid myself of this stuff. Piece by piece, this crap that has infiltrated my mind and my relationship needs to be cleansed. I do not know how or where to start. All I know is that I need to do this before I can have a truly positive relationship, with God or a girl.