Struggling Christian: Legacy

Today I almost died. Wow. Right now I might not be here, am I shaken? Am I questioning my beliefs? No, I am not. Yet, the only thing that has me thinking is what would my legacy have been?

Some of you might think that I am exaggerating about almost dieing today but truthfully I was about 1/8 of an inch from being with my Father. How? Well I was on an excavator digging a footing for an addition on my father's business. He told me to dig in this area and well I did and broke through a pipe which was supposed to be a few more feet more to the left. The top pipe which I broke the whole way through was the telephone line. The next pipe, which lay directly below the other pipe, was the electric lines that gave power to that building. So the only separation between the excavator and the wires inside was a 1/8 inch pipe. So me saying I was 1/8 inch away from not being here I was not exaggerating although I wish I was.

After this experience I started to ponder the rest of the day, what would have been my legacy been? Who would be glad that I was gone, who would be sad, who would feel guilty, and who would be jealous? Thinking about this I do not like what conclusions I came up with. Because there are so many thing that have not said to people that I care about, forgiveness I have never asked for, and people I have let down. People that I let pride and sin come into our friendship and destroy it, and people that I just do not like just because they are who they are.

Something that happened to me over spring break came to mind while I was thinking about this. One of the nights I was supposed to meet up with some friends (one's in which I was not staying with). Well I sat at the meeting place for 2 hours waiting on them and they never called or showed up. Calling my friends who I had been around the whole week picked me up and we all went to a hotel room and I decided to drink. No big deal because I was in a bad mood and not a one would have argued with me for that decision because of what happened to me before. I had not drank that much (I was still of sound mind) and a friend came walking down the street and saw me. Seeing the beer in my hand she started to ask me questions to why I was drinking for she thought I did not drink. We discussed the situation and my reasoning for drinking and I decided not to drink anymore the rest of the night. Ever since that happened I have replaying that conversation in my mind. Trying to realize why she would say something to me when no one else would, I figure that she gave me more credit for who I was and what I stand for more than I do. She believed in me when most of the time I do not.

After today, I am going to start to live that way. Live a way I was intended to live. I am going to attempt, by God's grace, to live in such a sacrificial loving way that when I do depart from this world to travel to my Father that people will be joyful for they know that I lived up to what I was made for. How I am going to reach this I do not know yet, but I know a book that will let me know how to start on that path. My life will be visual representation to "... the hope I have." (1 Peter 3:15), and my legacy will represent that living hope for which I live.

Struggling Christian: My potiential

It has not been more than 4 days since my last post and a point I made in the last writing has been turning around in my mind since I finished it. Something that I want people to know about these writings is that I do not just sit down and create them on the fly. They come from several hours of thought that ends in either block wall or solution. At that block wall or solution is where I decide to write so that the next phase of my ideas can be unlocked.

Now, the idea that captured my mind is, "… I feel that I cannot reach my potential with out someone by my side." (Blog March 24, 2006) The first thought was how do I know that I am not reaching my full potential? Now I am sure for the ones that know me well will say to themselves that I am living in the past and that I need to move on. Well for my response; one I must reflect on the past to know how to change for the future, and two some people reading this must need some reference to how I was. In high school I feel as if I was closer to reaching my full potential than I am right now. Thinking about this I am trying to find out when I lost the motivation that I had when no challenge was too great, and no idea too out there. From my perspective I would have to say it was the second semester of my freshman year of college.

What is different from now and back then? A couple of things have come to mind. First are the people that I surrounded myself with. Something that you need to understand about the people that I associated with in high school was that they were all loving caring, positive, motivated people. When we come home for break and we actually look forward to it so that we may be able to spend sometime together. At least once every month we try to all get together. The most important thing about this group of people that I associated with is the fact if they think that you are having a bad day or need to talk about something they will not hesitate to take however much time it takes out of their day to make sure that you are back on the right track, they are a selfless motivated group. We were getting up each day for the mere fact of doing things for the betterment of the people around us. Now, not so much; not to put down the people that I am around now, but until you have a group of friends that live how these friends live it is hard to explain. The second thing that is what I get up for. I believe there are three things you can get up for; yourself, others and God. What do I get up for in the morning now is nothing; I cannot name one thing that makes me want to wake up and go through the actions of the day. Thinking about that; I would have to say that I am getting up for myself. In high school I got up everyday for the shear fact of doing something to make someone's life better.

I was happy then. Yet I still was not my all, because I was not living for God. Today I am farther than I feel like I have ever been to reaching my full potential, is that because I know that I am not and I was before oblivious? Or am I truly farther than I have ever been? Well for this problem I at least feel like I might know the solution for my depression and the fact of not reaching my potential which is to live for God. How do I do that, and what is it? Well I feel like it can be explained by two verses in the Bible: John 15:12-13. The whole chapter is good but that is how to live for God. If I can master that slightly then I might be able to start to feel better.

struggling questions

Now I am going to attempt to change what my blog has been into something completely different. What I am attempting to do is to transfer my struggles, questions, and victories of life, from my thoughts and actions, into words. I am more articulate with my words than I am with letters, but I hope that the intent and meaning is to be understood which is not to have this as a sounding board for how people should be proud of me, or feel sorry for me but a way to understand where I am coming from. To offer feedback and support (good bible verses, books I should read), or just letting me know where you are struggling in which we can take our questions or struggles and let each other learn from them and grow. My hope is not just for this to benefit me but others too. Now, questions I am struggling with.

If we are honest with ourselves we can look at most of our relationships, with anyone this does not mean just boy/girl friend relationships, my definition here is larger than that. If we look at relationships we are in and are honest there is a reason for us being in that relationship. We are attempting to take an advantage from that person through having that relationship with them. We are seeing that person as a stepping stone to get something that we want from this world that we could not get from ourselves. Example of this in my life, which I hope is not truly an example because I hope that the friendship that I have with this person is rooted more than what I am explaining here. I have this friend for several years, yet our friendship has grown greater recently, we confide in each other about issues that are in our lives. Now what do I think about when ever we have discussions is her friend that I am interested in. What has happened is that what I want has become the center of the relationship, instead of having the person being the center of the relationship. When this happens the relationship is corrupted and will rot; not be what it was originally intended to be. Now is our friendship rooted in that, NO! But, am I looking for an advantage with this friendship, unfortunately yes, and do I have to let her know this, probably.

Taking this stripped down example, I have been looking at my relationship with God. I have been reflecting to see what I am trying to gain from God. What I have found is not what I am trying to get out of my relationship with Him but what am I owed. I do not know about you but feeling owed instead of looking for an advantage is something far worse for it is rooted in pride and not greed; pride in which I am at the same level as God; which is exactly where I defiantly do not want to be. Feeling owed something means that I have done a service for someone to get something. Yet, how can I do anything for God who is Almighty, and does not need me for anything? This was a piece of advice that was told to a friend who shared it with a group I was in, “God does not need you but he can use you.”

Now let’s look at the smaller misconception I have about life and ask myself how I can look for an advantage with my relationship with God. Because like my example the person is not the center of the relationship, what I want is the center. Causing the thing I want to be bigger than the Person in the relationship. How can my thing be bigger than God? The Bible talks about God providing everything. So if the advantage that I am trying to get is being "BIG" as a successful, well known person with an easy life. This makes it so that I am not searching after the one that can give me that but I am searching after that and will never receive it. For when you go after something you will never get it, but when you strive past it is when you will be able to achieve it.

OK, now that I understand what I am trying to get out of my relationship with God, which by the way figuring that out sucked, but this one was even worse. I need to figure out what things I feel like I am owed from God and why. After much reflection I realized that I feel like I am owed a relationship with someone (not a certain someone) but someone that will in turn become my wife. Why, because I feel that I cannot reach my potential with out someone by my side. That she will compliment me and create that motivation that I lack so often today. As I will her. I will see her full potential for what it is and will do what I can to help mold her into a person God intended. I feel like I am owed because I think that I cannot achieve what I was made for alone. Am I making excuses? Am I limiting God and His capability? Am I making a fantasy of what a marriage relationship will be? This is not to mention what pressure I am creating for the relationship. Making it so that no one is good enough to meet the misconceptions I have made about what marriage will bring.

I don't know. I do know that I need to rid myself of this stuff. Piece by piece, this crap that has infiltrated my mind and my relationship needs to be cleansed. I do not know how or where to start. All I know is that I need to do this before I can have a truly positive relationship, with God or a girl.